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6 Peculiar Things That Kenyans Do in Church

pastor natasha Pastor Lucy Natasha nourishing the thirsty souls of the flock in her church

A few months ago, the country was ablaze with the tantalizing news of Pastor Kanyari’s savagery disguised as prayer and worship. He touched, groped and caressed women’s boobs in church.  The bizarre part of this sad affair is that some people still attended his church and he got interviewed on NTV like some kind of hero.The truth is, Kenyans are used to such acts being performed in places of worship. Many of us even partake in some of them. While some of those things are harmless guilty pleasures, others are slightly offensive. You can’t just waltz into a church and whip the sin out of sinners as H Christ did in the good old book. Many people go to church to do anything but pray.

6. Gossiping 

gossiping girls
“You heard who the pastor did?”

This is perhaps the most prevalent sin in places of worship. Walk into any church, and in between programs you will see believers engaging in hushed chit-chat about who did who, who said what, or who bought what. I remember while I was at the height of adolescence, most of the time in church was spent comparing notes on pretty girls and exchanging the latest Vybz Kartel’s riddims with my friends via Bluetooth on our big ass china phones.

The truth is, most people go to church for the social value and not for religious piety, which means people want to catch up on others’ lives, and what better place to do it than in a place of worship under risk of eternal hellfire? Take that Satan. We don’t fear hell anymore. Evolutionary biologists argue that gossip is an important evolutionary trait, that helps us spread information that is essential to survival. In addition, talking about a third party helps to strengthen bonding between two people. You should not gossip in church, but if you are already committing other sins, just go ahead; this is one of the most insignificant sins you can commit. It will barely register in your sin meter.

5. Preying And Looking For Mates

penguins
Why go to church if you wont end up with a mate like this?

Legend has it that the ‘best’ partners are found in churches. Be it for the occasional hit-and-run, the secret side dish to supplement an unsatisfactory marriage, or for relationships leading to marriage, people have turned places of worship into hunting zones for suitable mates. Of course, searching for mates is a full time job, so you might want to check out the selection of mates that nature has availed to you. And what better place to do that than in church.  But don’t flirt in church too much, and definitely don’t stare at the choir leader’s ass for too long while she sashays to the sweet hallelujah melodies during praise and worship. Don’t only shake the hands of the beautiful lass when the pastor tells you to greet the people sitting around you. If you follow those simple rules, you will be in a good place in heaven.

4. Politicking 

uhuruto prayers
These prayers have a 50% success rate. They only worked for one guy.

One of the hottest political debates in the country right now revolves around Deputy President, William Ruto, and the religious gatherings praying for his case at the ICC to disappear into thin air. Together with his clique of cronies and allies, they have crisscrossed the country, adopting an impressive holier-than-thou attitude at each meeting, where respected clergy then pray for them as they reinforce the Hague-was-sent-by-the-devil narrative.This kind of political posturing happens in churches all over the country every weekend. Politicians have turned churches into their stomping grounds, with little respect for what the church represents; a place where God meets with man.

The sad part is that the  clergy and believers don’t mind, as long as some of the politicians’ looted millions find their way into the church’s coffers. No one cares how corrupt a politician is, and no one tells them they need to repent. This is the worst form of religious prostitution; i just made that word up to mean the church is in bed with politicians just for the money.

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