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5 Things An African Man Should NEVER Do

ruto, african man should not cry

A few days ago, Maendeleo Ya Wanaume Organization, banned men from being seen carrying umbrellas during this el nino season. If you cannot endure droplets of cold water falling from the sky, then you have a lot to worry about. African men should be strong indomitable machines. That is why today, we celebrate the Kenyan man, the ultimate symbol of perseverance and endurance. A machine created to brave harsh conditions of the dark continent. God blessed the African man with everything; strength, brains and determination. It is therefore sad to watch these vital qualities slowly being washed away as the African man gets influenced by Western culture. We have become a feeble shadow of what our forefathers used to be. So apart from not carrying umbrellas, what other thing should a man not do?

5. Carrying A Woman’s Handbag

womans handbag
You would rather be caught carrying a live grenade than this thing

The first time I saw a man holding a woman’s handbag, I felt violated for having the misfortune of being the one to witness the pitiable scene. The guy’s discomfiture was plain on his face but he tried to make himself look busy by fiddling with his phone. Why would you as an African man subject yourself to this level of humiliation? A real African man is not even supposed to be in the same room with a handbag,  let alone touch it. A woman’s handbag is an nefarious object that sucks life out of a man when touched. It is the equivalent of an Ouija board; once you touch it, demons come rushing for a party in  your life. Within a few days, you find yourself cooking for her, doing the dishes for her, doing her laundry, taking her for shopping, all the while thinking you are in love. That is not love, those are symptoms of kukaliwa chapati or being emasculated, which is a fancy word for having your testicles yanked off. A handbag is a trap and sin to a man,  and do you know what Jesus said about sin? I quote, “When your eye causes you to sin take that eye out”….. And so brethren i verily say unto thee, if your heart tricks you into carrying her handbag, do not hesitate, cut of that hand, you can always get a prosthetic one.

4. Crying! 

ruto crying in church
Kenya, Is this where the rain started beating us?

Crying has always been and will continue being a sign of weakness. If a man cries, it shows that he has gone soft. A man’s tears are expelled from the body in form of sweat, never through his eyes. If you must cry, a man’s tears should be internal; falling down the throat into the stomach. It doesn’t matter how sad or painful a situation is. But there are few exceptions to this rule, that could allow a man to shed tears for not more than 30 seconds. Such situations include losing a Sportpesa multi bet, your favorite team being whooped a bucketful  of goals in broad daylight, or when your wife cooks noodles or sossi soya for supper.  You can also shed two measly tear drops if you discover that your crush only dates old men who are in their 60s while you are in your 20s.  Any other situation outside these 4 should never be a cause for an African man to expose his tears in public or private. But it does reach a time where a situation becomes unbearable, in such a case, a man has to be creative and come up with ways to prevent the tears from falling externally. If you are watching a sad movie, and you are tempted to cry, one can slap the tear demon out of himself. But in the event tears do get exposed in public, an African man has two options, deny deny deny or run towards an area full of smoke or cut onions. If you anticipate that a situation could become emotional, always carry an emergency onion and a pocket knife

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