Any kid knows what he or she wants to be in their post-puberty life. Most likely, the innocent mini-adult will say they want to be a doctor, an engineer or a pilot. I wanted to be a doctor because it looked like the best job in the world that commanded both respect and good money. Two and a half decades later, I am no doctor; my main goal right now is to just be alive. As we grow up, it slowly hits us that those noble jobs are not all that great because of the way this country is set up. The best paying jobs do not require years of studies or flashy degrees and PhDs. Here are the 5 jobs that make other professions look like a joke.
5. A Legislator
This is the creme de la Creme, the one job whose description reads MAKE MONEY. All the M.P needs to do is just stretch his sticky hands and grab it. Before 2013, a politician didn’t even need to have any form of education, all that one needed was a very fast mouth, a good suit (Kenyans trust anything in a suit), campaign money, and powerful friends with a political party. The rules were tweaked a little, and now a politician needs one more thing, a degree, any degree, even one from the thermometer. It does not matter whether you got E or D in high school. For instance the M.P for Likoni, Mombasa County, Mosoud Mwahima, who sat his KCSE in 2002 when he was Mayor of Mombasa got an E!. Still on this note, the governor of Mombasa County scored a strong D in his KCSE. Is there a leader in Mombasa who can count from one to a hundrend??
This is the best job because a politician is paid for everything he or she does. They are paid a sitting allowance where they just walk into the parliament, sit in their fuzzy, fart-absorbing seats and doze off into lala land, drool dripping from their mouths. They get paid a travelling allowance which basically involves them moving from their palatial houses in Nairobi to the nearest bank to collect their salaries and that occasional trip back to their constituencies as the election year nears. They get house allowances, breathing allowances, and even blinking allowances. All this is on top of their six figure salary. Basically, they are paid to be alive. This is a dream job that every Kenyan would want since the only serious work one will ever do is to call press conferences or go around the country praying for ICC indictees.
4. A Cabinet Secretary
Don’t make the mistake of confusing the secretary part of the job title with that of the front office lady; this is a different ball game. A cabinet secretary literally runs the country and gets paid tonnes of cash to do that. First, they get accorded a vehicle by the government, the thirtiest fuel guzzlers in the markets. They get a security detail that protects them from dangers like the people’s poverty and misery. They also earn a myriad of allowances that would make Bill Gates look over his shoulder in anxiety.
But the best part of a Cabinet Secretary’s job is their power to decide how the Ministry’s money is spent, their signatures decide whether a hospital will get cancer machines or whether Ksh. 800m will disappear into thin air. They decide whether teachers will be paid or whether the money will be used to buy a Ksh. 8,500 pen, a Ksh. 950,000 Antivirus software and a Ksh. 37,500 bar of soap. That is not all. A Cabinet Secretary has the power to add a couple of zeros at the end of a price quote and pocket the extra zeros without a finger being raised. This is the most secure job in Kenya.