Let’s say you’re in one of those numerous public gatherings at Jevanjee Gardens where people discuss how to to become rich by keeping many goats. Or they are discussing how rich Ben Gethi is, and you’re right at the center of that idle crowd. Or maybe you’re in a matatu from Town headed to Thika to meet the Missy. And you’re seated next to some light-skinned blonde U.o.N lass who looks like she wouldn’t say a word to you if it meant saving her life. Or maybe you’re just in class, waiting for the Calculus lecturer, to come in. And your classmates are engaging in cheap banter about who hooked up with whom and who impregnated whom and who’s in love with whom etc. Or maybe, aah, you get, you are in the middle of something that could be totally pointless. Then, out of the blue, your horrible ‘They see me rolling, They hating…” ringtone comes alive. If you look at the phone and the Caller is one of these people cancel that call, put your phone on flight mode, and throw it in a bucket of water. Seriously, throw it.
#5. Call From Your Mother
Look, I love my mother to Pluto and back. I allow people to insult me and say whatever they want about my being – be it about my round face or my hairy legs or my frail arms [I know, a gym membership is on my 2016 resolutions] – but the very moment you say a single negative thing about that old glorious soul. then I don’t care if you look like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in Fast & Furious 7, we going to war.
But here’s the thing about Auma Nyar Keya [that’s what we call her] and mothers in general, sometimes they just call you for the hell of it. That’s just Mothers. I stopped answering my Mum’s phone calls in public places when this one time I was stuck in traffic on Jogoo Road and she called me and when I picked up, she went on some crazy rant about this yellow yellow mami I had put as my WhatsApp profile picture [it was one of those ‘#WCW’ things]. Do you know how hard it is, or even how ludicrous it sounds, to say “But she’s just a friend” to your Mother in a minibus full of people – mostly women – staring at you? She said if I brought an Okuyu woman home, she would kick the living bollocks out of my ass. Sounds tribal, I know, but she’s old school, cut her some slack. Bottom line, you don’t want to pick your Mother’s call in public. Well, unless you have time to explain what is a Instagram and why your kid sister is always texting WhatsApp.
#4. Call From Your Boss
For the sake of this piece, let’s just say you work at some top-shot Law firm, sindio? And you’re a Personal Assistant to this huge pot-bellied prick of a Boss who also happens to be the main Partner at the firm, sindio? Your job, among other things, includes fetching him his morning coffee, wiping his desk, arranging the documents on his table into a neat pile, answering phone calls from his annoying relatives back in Kisumu [and telling them he’s in a meeting with big shots], and maybe hooking him up with campus mamis [Lawyers have zero vibe] during the weekend.
Now picture that Boss calling you in public [and maybe you have these Chinku phones that are so loud you’d think they were on Loudspeaker so everyone hears the conversation] to say, “Chief, Where did you put that extra pair of socks I gave you to keep in my office? Alafu this place smells like ass, did you shit here again? Bring back an air freshener dammit!”