These days, the only SMSes I get are those ‘Dear Customer…’ texts from Safaricom. One good thing about WhatsApp is that you can illustrate your
real fake feeling using emojis. The other good thing is that you can text all your friends at once by being in a WhatsApp group. That way, you can piss off a large number of people at the same time. WhatsApp is the almost the busiest application in any phone, because its simply awesome. Nevertheless, as usual, since time immemorial, humans have always discovered ways to misuse even the best things. Blame it on the douchebag-gene, that has managed to survive millions of years of human evolution.
5. Interrupting Serious Conversations With Dumb Comments
You know those times when guys are deeply engaged in a heated discussion about serious real life issues – like Women who smoke Shisha and Men that drive Subarus and rich kids of Instagram – and then out of nowhere some bozo comments something totally unrelated to the matter at hand. Most of the times it’s always something really ignorant and obnoxious like, “Nani ako na charger pin ndogo?” Or, “Nani ako town?” And, by the way, these people that when they’re in town they want everyone to know, Dedan Kimathi and Tom Mboya have been rooted in CBD for decades now, and you don’t see them announcing it on the news. Calm y’all tits.
4. Long Forwarded Text Messages
Of all the douchebaggery that goes on in a WhatsApp group, this is the one I hate most. This is the one that makes me scratch my eyes, poke my nose and throw my feet in the air in frustration. This is the one that will get me cursing for hours on end and wishing I had license to carry a gun. Or a machete. Or just something you can use to make someone’s balls numb.
This could just be me but, I have never really understood how [and why on earth] someone could be so idle as to type something so long it drives you to sleep faster than watching parliamentary proceedings, and then someone else so petty as to forward it to a gazillion other people. Who has time to read all that stuff? Do me a favor, please, be so kind as to shove that down your throats. And December is here, wait for those 5-page texts of someone telling you how Jesus died for your sins and sending you flowers created using emojis. I swear I’ll shoot someone. Someone get me that license. Then there are also those guys that end those long texts with, “Mtu akicomplain natuma tena.” These ones should be shot in the eye. Twice.
3. Long Conversations Between 2 People in a Group
Have you ever just woken up one fine morning in a beautiful mood, had a nice breakfast, taken a warm shower and then turned on your data connection to see if Nancy, or whomever your heart beats for responded to your text? To your astonishment the drop down list of messages shows you have 12,000 unread messages from one conversation. So you think maybe something really serious must’ve happened somewhere, or maybe your buddy finally hit the Sportpesa jackpot and was now taking the whole squad out for nyama choma and beers. Only for you to click and you realize it was just two bozos talking about last night’s games and how Rooney was a beast and that Mourinho should resign and Arsene Wenger should…well…just die. Begin to wonder why those two people couldn’t just directly text each other. I mean, we’re not all bananas about the EPL. Some of us are doing just fine with Gor Mahia back home. Aye? Another variant of this douchebag behavior is people forming a splinter group. All of a sudden, you realize that the group, which was formerly more hyperactive than Aden Duale has fallen silent. Nobody replies to your monologues or
funny jokes anymore. Not even a good morning for two weeks. Well, if this happens to your group just know that a few members formed their own subgroup. Accept and move on.