News Just In: If you are reading this, you are old. Kids born in year 2000 are already hitting 16. These new millennium offsprings have been born in a different time from the one you grew up in. Just like our parents tell us about stuff that happened in 1970s and we marvel, we shall tell them of things that existed in 2005 and they will be greatly amused. They will never know some things like;
13. Dating Because You Like Each Other
Hooking up with someone because of his of her personality is so 1990s. Previous generations of Kenyans hooked up because they really were into each other. Or had similar interests. Now its purely about looks, not interests or love anymore. In 2020 your kids will probably be asking ‘mom, what is a personality?’ In the coming days, people will get or fail to get hook ups because of how good they look on social media. It doesn’t matter if you have the personality and inner beauty of Mother Teresa, if you are not cool on social media, you are in worse trouble than Joshua Arap Sang. Some parents have really seen ahead and created Facebook profiles for their cute kids. You had better start showing that your kid has a history of being cute.
Get this. There are only about 500 rhinos left in Kenya. In the 1960s there were at least 50,000 of these. Northern white rhinos are the first to disappear. There are only two of these dudes left. One is a male and the other is a barren female. So they can’t produce baby rhinos. Once the old couple dies, that’s it. Another species wiped off the goddamn face of the earth. In primary school, we used to be taught about the Big Five. Now, in the revised syllabus, that has been reduced to Big Four. Sorry kids. We needed those rhino horns to make some people hor***. But at least, the legacy of the Rhino will live on through the plethora of stuff name after Rhinos; Rhino Cement, Rhino Matchbox, Rhino etc. In 2025, when you tell your 7 year son that there used to be a cow-sized beast with one horn on its face, he will just sit there staring at you as if you have a horn on your face, then shake his head and update his Facebook status ‘These old folks can be funny.” But its not only Rhinos that are being wiped away, elephants, lions, and basically any wild animal is in danger of being wiped off as we encroach on their habitat.
Many people hated reggae. Many people loved it. Note I have used past tense. It was the music of hard-cores, the rebellious, and of downtown dwellers. People with with big dreadlocks and smoking bigger rolls of weed. A little tidbit; President Uhuru Kenyatta is a fan of reggae music. We don’t know what President Kibaki used to listen to, maybe he was a fan of the national anthem. Back to reggae. Sometimes after 2003, reggae singers stopped producing it any more and started making riddims. Riddims are the mainstay of metro-sexuals whose hair is jelled or curled like Vybz Cartel’s. These kids will probably wonder why you are excited by Bob Marley’s classics such as Buffallo Soldier, No Woman No cry, or Iron Lion Zion.
10. Grainy TV- Mchele
Lets set the record clear, TV has not always been this clear. Actually, for most of us who had to rely on analogue UHF or VHF signals, TV only became clear in 2014 after digital migration. They will never know the struggle of watching a football match on a grainy 14 inch TV and having to rely on the commentator to know whether the ball is really in. Or watching a Nigerian movie and not being able to distinguish ghosts from real people.
9. Reading Books for Information
Not a long time ago, in 2004, it was still possible to get people who would say reading novels is their favorite past time. Kids born after 2000 will never experience that. They have 72 TV channels, Facebook, Instagram, and online games to keep them busy. Getting a 2000s kids reading a book will be as rare as seeing a girl giving accurate football opinions. I remember thumbing through the pages of a dictionary to get the meaning of a word. Now, that is old school. There are bible apps, dictionary apps, map apps, online encyclopedias, and e-books. On the positive side, we are saving trees.
8. Being Friends with Neighbors
In spite of all the hype created on the Nyumba Kumi initiative, it has been a phenomenal fail. In urban estates, it is possible to go a year without talking to your neighbor. Now, these kids have WiFi and internet, which means they don’t have to be friends with neighbor kids as long as they have a hundred or so online friends. Moreover, everything that used to be done outdoors can now be done indoors.
7. Getting into Places Without Being Inspected
Just in 2010, this was a peaceful country. You could strut into any government building, bank, university, or supermarket without anybody raising an eyebrow. The only place out of bounds was statehouse, where the reigning kleptocrat lives.Then, old man Kibaki had to get us in Somalia. Since then, securitization of daily life has been normalized. These kids will never be able to enjoy the freedom of their privacy not being invaded by cameras, security guards, and machines poking their noses into purses and bags.